[☆彡] vi · march thirteenth

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I finished two things recently, a brain test and a body pillow. Pretty funny sequence of events now that I'm reading it back. Over the past 3 years I've come back to this page from Chainsaw Man again and again.

My life doesn't have a direction. I'm chasing trivial goals because I gave up on my dreams. I'm hungry all the time, not in the literal sense. I constantly feel like I'm starving. Deprived of something I need to survive. When people pay attention to me, I feel like I've eaten a little bit. So I keep working hard because I want people to look at me. But I never feel full and probably never will.

[☆彡] v · january third

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Well, here's my first entry of 2024! You're never going to guess who it's about... I finished my Heathcliff ita bag!

This is my first time doing this kind of DIY project and I'm super happy with the results. They were out of 'HIM' bags so I bought a 'THEM' and painted over the letters. I measured the boxes and made a mockup layout, then I scaled and printed the images. I painted them with clear glitter paint and glued them onto the insert.

After that I clamped the chain and the charms and cut out the lace. I glued it to the front and hand stitched the trim onto the sides, which took me a while because I had to go inside the bag with a flashlight to sew it through. The last thing I did was add a charm and ta-da!



I also picked up a corkboard so my shrine isn't hidden on the shelf. I'll add pictures to my e-shrine once I'm done! I also made lots of progress on reading his source, Wuthering Heights, and I think I can easily finish it before his chapter comes out. I am normal about him guys I promise.

[☆彡] iv · december sixth

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It's been almost a month since my last proper update and I don't even feel like the same person anymore. Lately I've been feeling more certain in my existence. I wiped most of my old entries because I look back on them and I remember feeling miserable and numb while writing them. Maybe there's value in documenting my worst moments, but I don't want to feel weighed down by the memories. Every moment is a passing one and I want to focus on savoring the present.

[☆彡] iii · november fourteenth

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I haven't added anything to my site in almost a month. I spend most of my time revising my Heathcliff shrine over and over. Maybe my site would be doing better right now if I stopped hiding all my updates. When I started growing Neocities felt like social media all over again, makes me wonder what the point of all this was.

Canto V comes out in 2 days but I'm too tired to get excited. I always have lots of energy in the summer and none in the winter, even now that I'm done with school. Also it's almost 2024 and I didn't do jack shit this year. I drew a lot and I made this site but when I look around I only see people who do it better. I'm sorta good at a few things but I'm not great at any one thing. I want to push myself harder but right now I'm so damn tired !!

[☆彡] ii · october twenty-first

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I had a dream that I posted a shitty draft by accident and people liked it more than the entries I reworded dozens of times. I'll try doing that today. I've had lots of them lately, mostly nightmares about my old life and ones that explicitly tell me I've grown stagnant.

This is the first year ever I'm not doing anything for Halloween. I'm no longer battling depression but I can feel lethargy building beneath the surface. I'm so desperate to never be hurt again that I've trapped myself in a room where nothing ever happens and I think it's time for me to leave. At least I love someone who doesn't exist.

[☆彡] i · october seventh

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Fuck my September entries, I am now a different person! (I have hit a wall and must adapt for my shortcomings.)

Even if I can't go to college I want to try taking classes and eventually reach my goal of doing art full-time. It was cowardly of me to assume I need to reject society in order to live as myself. If I get out there and people have a problem with me for being me, that's something I'll have to learn to live with. I'm tired of being ashamed. I want to be proud of who I am and work to become a version of myself that I'm even more proud of.

I also want to make peace with having a niche diagnosis. It's silly of me to feel insecure about not fitting in even with people who don't fit in, and the longer I try to cope the more insecure I'll end up feeling. Maybe I can make a web ring for people with other uncommon disorders if I want that sense of community.

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