[☆彡] ENTRIES

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☆ 2024

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V. November 2, 2024
- Generic life update
IV. October 23, 2024
- Initial thoughts on Canto VII
III. September 19, 2024
- Chuseok + scent review
II. September 16, 2024
- Finale

☆ 2023

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I. December 6, 2023
- A glimmer of hope

[☆彡] v · november second

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current song: in hell we live, lament - mili ft. kihow

"lament! if you wanted me to live, if you want me to forgive,
if you want us to pretend like we're civilized humans."

Wow, it’s already November. My plan for the winter is to try and relax. It’s cathartic to be spending so much time alone again, I love my friends but sometimes I need a break from the world. That’s the best part about being ficto. Heathcliff doesn’t care he’s a fucking cartoon haha.

Anyways, I’m having trouble figuring out how to fill this page. If a blog is normal and pleasant I’ll skim through it but if it’s unhinged and opinionated I’ll read the entire thing. So I’m always writing drafts and thinking “this makes me sound unbearably boring” or “I can’t post this on the public internet.” My personality is awful but at least I keep it in the confines of my own brain!

I'm learning to live with myself, more or less. There's a lot of things wrong with me but I'm becoming increasingly disillusioned by other people. Once you begin to peel back facades you realize everyone else is just as flawed as you are or worse. All my life I was conditioned to believe there was a stigma on my existence, something uniquely wrong with me that can never be repaired, but I'm not so special after all. That's a bit concerning and a big relief.

[☆彡] iv · october twenty-third

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current song: welcome to the black parade - mcr

"and though you're dead and gone believe me, your memory will carry on."

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR CANTO VII AHEAD.

Okay, I said I'd do this after it's finished but I'll go crazy if I can't share anything. Here's a few thoughts in advance.

Dulcinea owns my heart. She talks with the same fatalistic pretentiousness that I write with. A cynic powerless to the tides of life, envying the free and blissfully ignorant, also a cinched masked gothic vampiress? Astronomical Ares-bait. I would cosplay her but goddamn... Cathy took me two months to make and this looks exponentially more difficult.

dulcinea, my fair lady. triple entendre.

I’m stunned that the Sancho theory turned out to be true. Seeing it unfold in the actual game was surreal. Honestly I think this makes the most sense as a means of continuing the narrative while ending the dream and staying true to the intent of the source, because I prefer to imagine Don Quixote of La Mancha as a tragic character and I don't think that would've worked if it was our Don Quixote.

Also I had an incredibly fitting animatic idea for her story, but I’m a lazy piece of shit so we’ll see if I ever make it happen. Will anyone still fuck with The Black Parade in the year 2025? They better. Come on, this chapter is about a literal parade full of vampires and a dead father passing on his dream of being a hero to his daughter.

[☆彡] iii · september nineteenth

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current song: chalice of mind - yabujin

Happy late Chuseok, everyone. I'm full... the food was really good. I'm doing a little bit better now. Other good news: I mixed up the deadline for my commission so I still have a week to work on it, and after months of searching I got my hands on the Heathcliff fragrances.

left: original (50ml), right: new version (3ml).

The new version’s top notes are violet, hibiscus and black currant. Middle note is patchouli. Base notes are soil after rain and juniper. Sadly it’s only sold in 3ml and I lost a good amount when it leaked. I looked everywhere but I couldn’t find the original's notes. My theory is that it has patchouli and violet but lacks the black currant and juniper. (I can't detect notes, so I looked them up.)

Anyways, the new version is much more intense. It smells strong, spicy and aggressive. It instantly reminded me of his personality. I like it a lot, but the first one is more pleasant. It has a sweet, earthy, musky smell. It’s like wandering the moors with him on a cloudy day after the rain. It’s very Wuthering Heights. The only downside is that it's cheap and initially it reeks of rubbing alcohol.

[☆彡] ii · september sixteenth

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current song: komm, süsser tod - arianne schreiber

"it all returns to nothing, it just keeps tumbling down."

Damn, I wish I had a positive entry. Impermanence permeates through everything and every door I open is another dead end. Maybe it's my own fault, my desire to wander the world without any chains, but when I look at my life I see a graveyard. Full of things that no longer are, or never were at all.

i tried a new drink today.
it tasted kinda like diluted yakult.

All I can do is keep working towards the future. That's what I've always done. The lives I enjoyed have all eroded away, or I shed my skin and they no longer feel like mine. Soon I'll get back up. Not like I have another choice.

What I don't like about life is the sensation of walking through the dark and finding my way around by bumping into things. I'm losing hope that my eyes will ever adjust. For all I know I could be wandering around forever making nothing but memories.

[☆彡] i · december sixth

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It's been almost a month since my last proper update and I don't even feel like the same person anymore. Lately I've been feeling more certain in my existence. I wiped most of my old entries because I look back on them and I remember feeling miserable and numb while writing them. Maybe there's value in documenting my worst moments, but I don't want to feel weighed down by the memories. Every moment is a passing one and I want to focus on savoring the present.

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